Ever had a day, week, month, or longer where you didn’t know why you were where you were doing what you were doing? I’ve had those times here and there over the years—usually of the day and/or week variety. However, over the past year or so, I’ve been wondering if this is my place any longer. I’ve wondered why I’m teaching and why here. I’ve wondered if I should live here and why I still live here.
I’ve come to some basic answers, of course. I live here because I was raised here and felt this was a great place for kids to grow up slowly and well. A few years ago, I would have told you that I’d always live right here until the good Lord takes me home. Over the past year, I’ve started to feel restless for the first time in my life while living here. I’m honestly still living here because I want to see my kids through the end of their high school days. Then, I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing. I may still be here until I get to go home, but for the first time in my life, I’m not sure.
The most identity-challenging question has been why I’m teaching and why here. I know my basic answer that I’ve always felt—I love these kids, and I love this school. Whether I’ve changed drastically (absolutely I have) or whether the kids are changing too rapidly for me to keep up or whether the school culture has changed too much, I’m unsure. What I do know is that I’m looking elsewhere for other employment and not all of it is in the education field.
I’m not saying any of this to say I hate my job or where I live. I just don’t feel like I fit where I once fit so well. I know part of these feelings stem from my personal life upheaval—both of my parents passing (since 2017), my kids growing up (youngest will be a senior next year), and my recent-ish divorce (two years in June). It’s more than that, though. I don’t feel like I’m making the difference I once did. It may have only been in my own head, but I really thought I was doing something to help others with this life that I had built. I don’t feel like I’m truly living. It’s more like I’m just going through the motions day-to-day, and I absolutely despise that feeling.
I’ve dedicated my adult life to one place and one mission. I used to be so proud of that and saw it as an accomplishment. Lately, though, I don’t feel that way at all. I feel disconnected and disassociated from the world around me. I also care a whole lot less about what those around me think of me or how I live my life. I do still care about those around me; I’m just not tied to their opinions of me if that makes any sense. I think there’s some power in that!
I’ve tried to step into that power in my workplace in order to advocate for myself and take on a more seasoned role. I’ve realized I’m older than I’d like to admit, but there’s some wisdom from experience to share with others in that. I’ve felt like I was really starting to come into my own. Maybe I could just pivot, readjust, and keep moving forward right where I was. Instead of the “new” me being cherished for my dedication and willingness to share my expertise, I’ve been met with indecision and invalidation of my value. It’s really made me question what I’m doing and where I’m doing it.
I’m getting to the hopeful part, I promise! (wink) While all of those feelings are true, and I could quite possibly write a book about my grievances, pain, difficulties, I’d rather seek my heavenly Father’s plan and purpose. I believe there’s a whole lot more value there than in my questioning. When I started praying about these feelings and issues in my life, I didn’t get any real answers right away.
Eventually, I stumbled upon Colossians 3:23-24, “Whatever you do, do it from the heart, as something done for the Lord and not for people, knowing that you will receive the reward of an inheritance from the Lord.” I’m quite positive I didn’t stumble upon this verse but was nudged toward it. It’s stuck with me for some time. Then, just today, I read a story from one of my students that broke my heart open and re-centered me. I cannot imagine living his life and seeing the world through his young eyes with the circumstances that he’s lived through already. I’m so thankful to be here in this very place doing exactly what I’m doing right this moment. Praise God!
